We thought we had won the space race the summer of ’69
Apollo 11 had got to the moon and Armstrong took his great leap for mankindBut as he got ready to plant our flag he suddenly looked up in fearCause there in the sand where it was s’posed to go he saw Chuck Norris Was Here It’s true that he can dribble bowling balls And even slam revolving doors He’s never cheated death he won fair and square And once punched a man right in the soulHe can kill two stones with one bird
And knows the last digit of pi He doesn’t have a kitchen cause revenge is best served cold He once made a Happy Meal cry The only time he was ever wrong Was when he thought he had made a mistake He keeps a pillow underneath his gun And never sleeps only waits He can kill imaginary friends And punched a cyclops right between the eye He once won at Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun He’s counted to infinity twice They say that time it waits for no man Unless of course that man is him His roundhouse kick breaks the speed of light He don’t wear ties only wins He knows that evolution’s not true ‘Cause there’s only species he allows to live When he gives you the finger he’s telling you how many seconds ’til you die Behind his beard is just another fist He destroyed the periodic table 'cause he only needs the element of surprise He never showers only takes blood baths His tears cure cancer but he’s never cried Once a giant cobra bit him After three days in pain the poor snake died When AG Bell invented the phone he had three missed calls from him He narrates David Attenborough’s life He doesn’t breath he holds air hostage He don’t use gas his trucks all run on fear When COVID-19 was exposed to him It was quarantined for a year And Bigfoot claims that once he saw him He stands faster than you can run He doesn’t dial the wrong number you pick up the wrong phone And before you even think to play…he has already won